Are you doing it right?

The Personal Files

Yes, I’m going there. And I’m sorry in advance, but I have to have a bit of a rant because the universe seems to be beating me over the head at the moment with a concept that just doesn’t sit right.

Apparently, apparently¸ life ends after marriage. Or, more specifically, a couple’s sex life ends once they have children and settle into the routine of raising them.



Noooo!!! Say it isn’t so!

But it must be true. The movie makers say it’s so. And the authors agree. Nobody has time for sex once they have kids. That’s why sexy internet chat rooms have become so popular and the divorce rate is so high.

There’s even scientific evidence to support pop culture’s theories. A quick Google search shows many psychological studies and surveys that point to the same conclusion. Parents with young children have less sex than before they had children. And even worse, parents of teenagers have even less sex.

Aaarggh! We’re all doomed. Turns out you don’t need condoms once you have kids, they are contraception enough.

But hang on, that can’t quite be right. Otherwise, how do people have more than one kid? Is everyone having immaculate conceptions? Or maybe they are so supremely fertile once they’ve popped one out that just a hint of sperm once a year is enough to fertilise an egg?

Or maybe, just maybe, pop culture is wrong.

Maybe even some of these scientists are wrong.

See, there’s a myth I’ve heard lately. A rumour circulating amongst some marrieds that flies in the face of this prevailing pop culture belief.

I’ve actually heard it said that life after children is better.

No! It can’t be true, you say.

But they do.

Oh, they must be talking about the experience of parenthood.

But they’re not.

There’s no doubting that the experience of parenthood expands your life exponentially, but these rumours I hear aren’t about that. These rumours I hear are about sex. Specifically, that sex can get better after kids.

Shock! Gasp!



Children = better sex.

But think about it. Relationships often deepen when two people share the experience of parenthood (and I’m not talking solely about biological parenthood – the same concept applies to step-parenthood). A natural part of that deepening relationship is going to be expressed during sex. And although you can’t have sex anytime you want anymore, because, well, there are kids around; that can actually add to the experience.

Pretend for a moment that you are on a diet. Say you have restricted your chocolate intake to one treat at night time. How much do you look forward to that treat? How much do you think about it during the day? And just how good is it once you finally sink your teeth into all that sugary confection?

That is what sex after kids is like.

If it’s not… well, maybe you’re not doing it right.

XX Amanda

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DSC_2582Amanda Canham writes romance and speculative fiction. You can find out more about her light, heart-warming medical romance series here.


Shh! You can’t talk about THAT


There’s something you may not have realised about me yet: I have a tendency to over-share personal information.

It’s usually worse after a couple of glasses of wine, of course. For example, quite recently I decided an entire party needed to know my exact bra size. It was the wine. I swear it was the wine.

This week, unfortunately, I couldn’t even use that as an excuse. This over-sharing incident happened after work one night, with a colleague who I like to think I’m friends with. But once I’d crossed the boundary and blurted out what I shouldn’t have (and no, I’m not going to say it now – I have learnt my lesson) there was instant awkwardness and instant regret that trailed into the next day and followed me through the week.

Now, being one that does tend to over-share, this kind of regret is no stranger to me. This time, however, it was worse because I’d actually crossed a boundary even I know is pretty much forbidden (except with your closest friends… after a couple of glasses of wine…).

But through the torturing’s of my own mind, I began to wonder: why is IT such a forbidden topic?

It’s not so much an issue when you’re single – you’re expected to have an exciting sex life then, and can often find said sex life the topic of party conversations. But once you’re in a committed relationship it changes, and is discussed less and less in public arenas. By the time you’re married…

Eek! Yuck! Cover your ears!

No one wants to hear about shenanigans in the marital bedroom.

But why does this topic become such a no-go zone? Why do we blush, or stutter, or cringe when the topic is brought up?

I mean, we don’t giggle when we talk about breathing, or about eating, or about going to the toilet… hmm, actually maybe some people do giggle about the latter, but I digress.

Sex is a normal biological function, so why is talking about it so forbidden?

Maybe, just maybe, it’s because, in this world of over-sharing, where every thought, every action, every meal can be shared in an instant with your friends or followers, there is still something that is sacred. Something that is private.

Maybe, instead of wanting to be able to share such secrets with the world we should respect these boundaries and value that one piece of our partner that is ours alone.

XX Amanda